so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
