Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
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