A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
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