you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
