please come you make the beer taste better
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
