Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
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