I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
We left an ass print on the piano.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
