I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Randomize
