I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
So vagazzling was a success
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Randomize
