someone threw a dead crab at me
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
