My vagina just recognized that song.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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