okay pat passed out under dana's car
I will die if light touches me.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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