you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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