Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
