the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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