my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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