Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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