Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Randomize
