woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
