Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
If I die, sorry about rent.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
