gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Randomize
