Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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