fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
i mean i'm ok with bufu but if i'm gonna do it it needs to be a mutual agreement, and there are steps that need to be taken. you don't just go OOPS we're doing it now
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Randomize
