i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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