Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
