Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
