Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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