plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
