you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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