So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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