Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
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