true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
