Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
