What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
This toilet bowl is my home.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
