im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
