Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
