How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Randomize
