i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
