Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
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No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
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I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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