Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
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