Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
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I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
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Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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