Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
