i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
