Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
We left an ass print on the piano.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Randomize
