I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Randomize
