apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Randomize
