She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
