I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
