i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
