please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
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