You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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