i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
