I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
