I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
