I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
