i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
