Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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