we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Randomize
